my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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