my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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