well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
