Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
