Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
