I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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