Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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