I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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