In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
