Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
