before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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