Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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