I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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