I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
