Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Randomize
