im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
These tits shall not be calmed
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
