So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
