My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
