Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
