I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
