My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
