Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
