so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
