You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
