i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
