I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
