haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
