were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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