I hope mine doesn't look like that
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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