Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
