Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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