I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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