Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
