First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
