Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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