i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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