I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
