I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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