Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
