we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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