one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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