someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
