I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
