Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
