I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
