like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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