Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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