Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Randomize
