I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
