i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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