I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
