he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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