what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
please don't ironically join a cult
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