Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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